i actually think that the maths remedial was an accomplishment for me. 'cause i think i learnt, somewhat a little? okay, a little MORE. (:

and then my poor back got sunburnt so bad that it hurts like fuhk now, the whole thing is so red, even wearing clothes hurt, much less touching it. GAHHHHH, and i'm sitting down with a wet towel on my back now, how pathetic. if only my hands were longer and could reach to the back and apply my sunblock, then it wouldn't have been so bad. then again, i asked michelle to help me apply some but she didn't want to! hurmp.

damn i have vball camp tomorrow, and i'm going to just sit there and sulk if the burn doesn't get better T-T it's really hard to do anything with a burning back. i might wanna try icing it tonight, but then again, icing my back isn't an easy feat for one person lol. i seriously want the burning to subside.

i so have to sleep on my tummy tonight. *bawls*

you can call me deprived, but i think i'm in love with sentosa! sentosa is a pretty place, the beach, the sun, the sea, volleyballs, bars, ice creams, and basically just everything (:

i stoned, sun tanned (and got a bad burn on my back) and played on the beach with the sea water and everything. i think sentosa's beach is so much cleaner than the ones in singapore. then talked about really random stuffs with beatrice, eastina, julia and michelle. the best thing was the beach tram! i think we kinda irritated the driver by making so much noise lol. then drank at coffee bean and bought cup noodles from seven eleven, what a wierd snack haha. and i almost bought myself a volleyball! XD can't resist the temptation haha.

next time, i wanna go siloso x) oh did i mention that when i was there i saw kun and br with their band instruments?! XD almost every secondary school's band was there lol. mass banding i suppose. and at that time, i was dripping wet with sea water from head to toe lmao. no wonder they couldn't recognise me.

man, and so much for the big hoo-haa over THE SOUTHERN MOST PART OF ASIA CONTINENT XD it's really annoying, that islet lol.

overall, i had a good day relaxing and having fun, and i definitely wanna do it again x) nothing beats sitting by the beach, talking while watching the waves (:

damn, now i've got to do my 500 word essay on freedom and rights. BWAAAHHHHHH! i rather look forward to tomorrow's maths remedial.

man, does shirleen make me feel lousy at english XD okay, i am anyway. in fact, i don't think there's anything i'm good at besides regretting and sulking over things.

but then there's so many things i want to do during the june holidays! okay okay, let me do a june holiday resolution XD (if there's such a thing, just all for the fun of making lists HAHA.)

sentosa tomorrow! it'll be great to work at a bar near the beach (: great sun and life in the day, and then great lights and music at night, just enough for me :D

& anyway, thankyou shirleen <3

special thanks to brandon who offered to listen, and thanks to bala for trying to talk me into having more confidence in myself. it's been a tough time recently and my mood and thoughts got the better of me (:

however, i don't think i feel like i wanna talk about my personal feelings to anyone ever again. it's like knowing me inside out and reading me like a book.

anyways, i will try to be as productive as i can this holidays. and i can't wait to go sentosa! (:

for now, i shall indulge myself in comics, because i think they are magical :D they really make my heart tingle and flutter and before i know it, i'm off to fantasy land, and the vacation doesn't end till the next day (: damn, if only i was like the main character or something, having the cool badass yet passionate hunk protect you, hug/kiss/hold your hand like every few minutes is OOOOH! XD okay, just ignore me lah. :x

volleyball training tomorrow, i hope i'll have fun.

the last two days i had sports carnival, it was a drag. my life is mellow, nothing overly interesting, escaping from everything else depressing. i spend my days watching tv and dvds, because being online is pissing my ass off. somehow or rather, i'm angry whenever i go online, there's always some problem out there that's bugging me. so hell, there's like nothing else to do in the house, and i just rot on the couch watching MTV, DISCOVERY CHANNEL, DISNEY CHANNEL, AND MORE CARTOONS. i KNOW i should be doing my homework.

strange thing is that everytime i want to get a job and work during the holidays, i can't find a job. as the holidays come nearer and i STILL have no job, i give up looking. then i don't feel like working anymore. pissin' shit. i should be doing something more accomplished in my life. screwwww, i can't think of anything to do for now. maybe i'll make a list later? (: the 1001 things i can do during the holidays to keep myself amused and alive.

i'm pretty much still angry over something, and i hope the anger dies out after one month. trust me, it'll take that long. as for everything else that USED TO get on my nerves, they're lucky they're not top piority. i can be more focused on what i can do to on one particular thing and make life miserable. conjure up plans in the day, then whine and grumble during the night, sounds like a good plan aye. yay one thing to do during the holidays! hur.

first day of sports carnival was dopey. DOPEYDOPE. didn't do anything much. second day was better, cause i got to play sports. played soft vball, but it sucked cause my group lost, and cause someone was being a jerk and a male chauvinist in my group. (yah, i'm saying it out loud.) i shall stick to vball anyway, there's a difference. then slacked around under the sun? i bought college tshirts, and i was happy. i plan to buy more when the term opens? college tshirt fetish (: then i wasted 5 bucks on the salsa class that i skipped. don't know why, it's supposed to be fun, but whatever, didn't really mean much to me then. then there was the infamous captain ball match, in which two matches there was a big commotion. GO BALAAA! XD eventually got kicked out after a few rounds also, but it was a good fight put up by 1F.

after the cball match, me and beatrice when to the student lounge to slack with the guys. the lounge was cool! my first time there haha, it's an sbs bus! oh, and it's funky inside, there's a cd player, cool dangly decor things, lots of nice cushion, and mrt seat inside XD we went up to the upper deck of the bus, and there were small tables in there. the guys were being rowdy, and the lounge to begin with, wasn't a slight bit soundproof. so i bet people could hear them from some distance away. they did awful stuffs to me and beatrice, like STICKING THEIR BLOODY SMELLY FOOT IN OUR FACES? HOW MEAN. then they started to sing songs in really high-pitched, and off tuned voice. it was plain torturing. they sounded like roosters screaming before they were slaughtered. FATHER OF ROOSTERS AND CHICKENS PLEASE SAVE US.

and then with my stupidity, i did something really, really, dumb. eran was saying that i wouldn't be able to touch the ceiling with my head if i jumped. well, i tried, but the ceiling was hard, so they told me to put my hand on my head and jump to cushion it. i did jump alright, and i jumped with all my might. (how stupid!) so i ended up with like bruised knuckles and a mild concussion. it hurt a DAMN lot alright :x the guys were laughing lol. right, i shall learn a lesson that though i put my hand as a cushion, that doesn't mean that i use all my might to jump and hit both my head and hand on the ceiling LMFAO. on a random note, elstan has bitchlong toenails everyone gasp!

wanted to go pumpfest, but fate didn't want me to go. ah screw it. it's okay, i'll wait for the next competition hurhur :]

i give up.

you think i'm like some bloody moron/retard/sucker of a lower class to you huh. well, go fuck your own cunt 'cause you're not worth it.

get the fuck away from me and you can have fun with the way you're living your life now. you're regret it, high-and-mighty-oh-so-cool dickmama. you are,

FUCKING DISGUSTING _|_

yeah you know ima irritate the shit out of you cause i'm bored. and remember, i claim the title PUNY & ANNOYING, IRRITATING FATS.

byebye -.-"

okay wait, is it me or is everyone around me like having a lot of fun with their friends spazzing while i'm just dragging on my days in my uniform doing nothing but complain? i don't have much time left.

gawd i hate to see all that shit. FINE, SO BE IT.

'cause i'm one hella withdrawn, angsty fagbag. take that.

i love childhood love stories. i think it's the most innocent and the most heart melting.

however what you see on television and in real life aren't always the same thing.

can't like them as much now, it bites.

AWWW TELL ME TO SHUT UP NOW! :x

right now electives week is a real drag. haven't been doing anything productive. all the politics and stuff is really killing my puny brain. all because of the j&h essay, i stayed up all the way to 12 last night, and didn't sleep well. slept through most of the elective today, and i assure you i didnt mean it as a sign of disrespect. really couldn't hold out no matter how much i rubbed my eyes =1

i still have the maths project which isn't really going anywhere, and then there's also that japanese essay that i owe for like, two weeks already. i don't think i'll hand it in tomorrow, so i guess i will have the whole of june to do it then hand up the late work, rawrrrr.

i'm currently reading catcher in the rye, and so far i think the story is quite good. not that anything interesting has caught my eye, but i like the way the character of the main character and it's kinda easy to identify with him and how he feels. i think he's a really mysterious and dark character? it's like there's so much more to him and i yearn to know what causes him to think in the way he thinks. i was at kino, planning to buy 'night' cause the summary of the story at the back of the book sounded really exciting and nice to read and all; and i couldn't find 'catcher in the rye' at first cause (can't blame me) like i would be able to find the book among walls of shelves @@;; and the info booth person wasn't helping much -.- however since my lang arts teacher recommended it, i bought it instead once i found it lol.

damn, holiday book reviews. i like holiday, i like book, i don't like the review part rawr.

i am the ultimate slackerrrrr, yessu! from sleeping in the canteen from the time i reach school, to the dreaming during the hour and a half elective, to the ultimate (mass) stoning and lazing around at the sports complex for about two hours plus plus, i feel that the whole week has been a drag. i know i've been waiting to end the proper lessons of school since two weeks ago, yet it's been really boring during the electives week. i mean, two hours of singapore's governemnt and politics can kill my brain. @@;; i shall hope that next week things will be better with the upcoming sports carnival =1

wonder why the lack of energy these days.

however, Dance Reverie II was DAYMN HAWT! as in, really really HOT. the dances were fab, the music was pumpin', and the costume was uh, TOTAL NOSEBLEEDING! XD okay, almost lah. but it was so inspiring to watch them dance lol. now i feel like i have zero skills, zero talent, wasting my life away being good at nothing. i've got nothing to show.

then the intermission during the production was really amusing also *hinthintwinkwink* X) stalked people around lmao. (he did his hair and wore his prom shirt! which was not so fanciful comparing to some OTHERS *hint kelly's*) then there was all these crap talking about dropping handbags and wallets with eastina and kelly on how to get someone's attention. OH THE DRAMA WE DID :X

eastina was like really spastic at the mrt station. she went down the escalator to send off me and kelly, then went up the wrong escalator, then came back down the same wrong escalator telling us that she took the wrong escalator, then went back up the SAME WRONG ESCALATOR. man, it's either eastina, or something to do with the cityhall interchange XD then got really thirsty and sleepy on the mrt with kelly. hungry too. went back to cook some instant noodles before sleeping for a whole 13 hours.

dude, why do guys often go for the long haired, big eyed, sweet, well-mannered, girls in skirts? those little angels, who easily get their heart broken and cry and get worried over the slightest things. very fun to show that you very macho huh. and then there's all that shit about how 'girls like bad guys and guys like bad girls'. total bullshit. hellooo?

so be it then. =1

okay, can i say sorry to myself for forsaking japanese class just to support the tjc vball team and cheer them on? i promise i will make it up and be really attentive in class next lesson =1 arghhh i really should not skip anymore classes, for whatever reasons.

well, went to support the guy's vball finals today and cheered them on with everything that i had. shouted my heart out and damn, now my throat hurts like wtf. i kinda lost my voice halfway through the second match. but who cares, the whole game was soooo exciting that i couldn't help shouting and cheering lol.

lost to AJC, sadly. we were at a tie, 2-2, so the last game was crucial; but we lost to them by 4 points. but it was really good effort though, i think they'd played really well (: especially no. 3, who was a really good blocker, but he seemed like he got injured quite alot. tjc guys' bball team won third in their finals today, and it's good news :D

really good school spirit today, hopefully i can use them as my inspiration and motivation and train well tomorrow (:

HOLY SHEEP :D kelly better send me the pictures soon x)

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what love can do
I'll be there for you

rawrrr.

i shall tell myself that it's okay, and that my hair will grow back to it's normal thickness again.

i shall tell my mom, that it is just a haircut, and does not mean anything else, neither does it portray a gangster image (because for goodness sake, i didn't choose the hairstyle)

i shall tell my dad, that my head DOES NOT look like a german helmet or a mushroom or whatever.

i shall make it up to them and get a decent, super girly haircut the next time (: expensive one too.

riiiiiight.

shit electives week, i got a feeling that everything would suck and it'll be just way boring. i'll prolly spend my free time besides going for make up lessons after the electives to finish up unfinished homework.

let me turn this entry into my homework diary (well, sort of)

1. current affairs (uh-uh, not gonna do this until i have the time)
2. handwritten bio lab report (better get started on it NOW)
3. physics peer evaluation on matrix (boringgg, shall do it soon)
4. maths homework chapter 10 (shall TRY to do it, but i'd prolly still be doing it tmr. HELP)
5. maths project (later)
6. chinese worksheet (by monday, but i'll take my time)
7. japanese essay (by tomorrow, yuck. don't know what to write about, but i'll try to get it done, whenever i have the time and inspiration?)
8. lang arts (holy shit my whole june holidays will be spent on doing this)

but then i really really wanna work at haagen daaz! it's an easy job, imagine scooping ice cream the whole day (: please let me pass off as 16 =1 i want to earn money, so i can save up for a shopping spree the next hols heh heh!

i shall try to stop listening to loud and noisy music for the moment, my brain's getting messed up enough. how about some bubblegum pop? :D nah, i shall listen to some really really slow emo music to clean my brain. it might help me to improve my attitude and be a good student and get started on my work.

why am i talking to myself again? eee, so freaky. i'm bored. ohya, homework.

the first time i ever felt so disgusted while listening to the radio: today.

and that was when i was listening to a programme called group therapy, and listeners can call in to help/give advice to this girl who has this problem: she was two timing two guys who were friends, and doesn't know what to do.

i want to laugh/cry/bang my head at:
1 why are we helping her? she fkin' TWO-TIMED O_o
2 how silly to two-time two friends. DUH are they idiots? they'd know sooner or later, and you'll just be in deep shit
3 on the radio?!?! shoot me, some thick skin you've got. i'd be embarrassed.

okay, then a few people called in to give some suggestions and advices, and one of them (which caused me so much grief and suppression that made me write this out for goodness sake) was to:

choose one, choose the one who makes you happier and come clean with both.

DHDFTHDTHDTHFGHFGHDF WHAT IN MOZAFACKING WORLD IS THIS?!

the one who makes you happier doesn't neccessary is the one, dude. like tell me, how fair is it if you'd happen to be not the one that's making the choice, not the one that was being chosen, but the one that (sadly,) didn't make her happy enough. isn't it so unfair. (come on yell it to me, 'since when was life fair anyway') oh yeah, did i mention that love is such a selfish thing, like you just choose the one that you're happy with, and happily dump the other aside oh whoopie. just use your brains, CHOOSE THE ONE THAT MAKES YOU HAPPIER? you so didn't think of the other person eh. like HELLOOOO, YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE ANY OF THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

and i don't even want to get started about talking about the suggestion 'breaking up with both and come clean'. it shouldn't even get started, what a player. 'oh i was confused about my feelings' and all that BULLSHIT.

for goodness sake, go clean your mind, lock your heart, and wear a signboard on your forehead that says 'TAKEN' if you wanna fking two-time people.

?!?!?!?!

HELL YEH. (so fckoff, player. TEEHEE! :D)

i'm so not in the mood for school this week, all i wanna do is act like i'm sick and lock myself at home. i can't explain why, but school's getting on my nerves so much that i'm getting mad (as in angry). it's frustrating, and annoying the piss out of me. yeah and plus all that crap shit of physics and maths that makes it a whole lot worse thank you. i really need a break, LIKE A JOB OR SOMETHING.

or just staying home taking up the big responsibility of TEH COUCH POTATO. ahhh, my favourite (:

after school i ate at seoul garden with julia, michelle, zhenyi, kimberly, beatrice and elstan. yay for me cause i learnt how to cook raw meat with chopsticks held in my RIGHT hand lol. and there was also this big WOOWOOWAHWAH over the oil that was spitting itself all over me and kimberly x) after that, i felt like i ate a cow and my waist just grew like 4 inches. I SWEAR! XD

after that, beatrice accompanied me the supermarkets. i bought a box of strawberries and a green apple for mom today (: though it never crossed her mind that those were meant for her when i handed it to her and said nothing. not a very good present but still, its been ages since i've bought something for her, and its time that i should. thanks beatrice for helping me out in choosing the nicest, shinest, greenest, dentless apple and the reddest, biggest, and most unrotten box of strawberries. ooh we are going to be such picky fussy mothers in the future XD

and the weather was soooo good today, i had a nice time talking to julia on the bus (:

been a pretty good day, helps to take my mind off things.

just when i thought that i was strong enough to take it, i broke down badly when mom called me over the phone at around midnight last night. and no, although i was upset over the whole hokkaido withdrawal thing, it wasn't the reason.

i broke down because i felt so suppressed over the build up of many things, and i don't have a clue since when it started to accumulate. i felt so horrible yesterday, there were so many problems i couldn't address, so many things i wasn't able to say, and so many things that couldn't be said but felt. my crying fit wouldn't go away, (it's been a long time) so i kinda slipped into sleep without myself knowing and woke up with swollen eyes. apparently no one noticed them.

it's been many years since mom has heard/saw me crying and told me 'not to cry anymore'. she must have been feeling bad herself, her decision that she didn't know whether it was right or wrong, the people and things she had put on gamble for something that she's wanted to do for so many years, having to cope alone for one painful night and yet i didn't visit her when i had the time to (instead i watched tv!), and now had to listen to my sobbings over the phone.

with those tubes in her body now and having a painful time at the moment, the rest can and WILL wait. right now i shall be a good girl for once, and do whatever needs to be done. i plan on buying her strawberries tomorrow (:

i feel refreshed. i don't know how things will work out now but i'll take it in my stride, because it feels like i'm capable of taking more shit in my life.

i am going to fucking withdraw from the hokkaido exchange programme that i FINALLY (after so much hoping and praying with my crappy results) got shortlisted into because of you and the mean things you said.

now i'm upset, because i never expected or wanted to withdraw from the programme in THIS way because of THIS reason. the programme meant alot.

i've had a shitload enough already; i don't know how much i still can take from you.

i had a good time laughing about underpants with beatrice,

then had a nice chat with eastina,

then headed home where all the drama started.

and although how fucked up everything is now, my thanks to my brudder who actually tolerated with me and my two hour cussing =\ thick and thin yo (:

well, i can get used to living like this, i think.

{ C }
the kind of girl who mopes around about stuff ALOT
& somedays on mute mode

A LEFT-HANDER WHO FEEDS ON JROCK :D

Is a caffeine addict, & doesn't mind giving up talking for good. With not much self-confidence to start with, her ugly teeth upset her a lot but she plans to do nothing about it. Cheap thrills include rainy days, graphic designing, writing & a little dosage of her jrock darlings. Can conjure up some really good shit in her mind sometimes, but has problems putting them onto paper and into reality. Overall an average kid who's neither here nor there in everything she does, & gets bothered by it sometimes. Has trouble finding her direction in life. Mostly negative and wishes to be more apathetic. Currently finding a way to start a new life in Japan, with a different name.

Still likes to talk to inanimate things like her stuffed penguin.

♥REITA,
just because.

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